Just remember, there's a right way and a wrong way to do everything and the wrong way is to keep trying to make everybody else do it the right way. --Colonel Potter

It's too big a world to be in competition with everyone.  The only person who I have to be better than is myself. --Colonel Potter

I don't care how poor a man is; if he has family, he's rich. --Colonel Potter, "Identity Crisis," original airdate 2 November 1981, written by Dan Wilcox and Thad Mumford, directed by David Ogden Stiers

Without love, what are we worth?  Eighty-nine cents!  Eighty-nine cents worth of chemicals walking around lonely. --Laurence Marks, M*A*S*H, "Love Story," original air date 7 January 1973, spoken by the character Hawkeye

I just don't know why they're shooting at us.  All we want to do is bring them democracy and white bread.  Transplant the American dream.  Freedom.  Achievement.  Hyperacidity.  Affluence.  Flatulence.  Technology.  Tension.  The inalienable right to an early coronary sitting at your desk while plotting to stab your boss in the back. --Hawkeye, "O.R.," original airdate 8 October 1974, written by Larry Gelbart and Laurence Marks, directed by Gene Reynolds

Sometimes I think it should be a rule of war that you have to see somebody up close and get to know him before you can shoot him. --Colonel Potter

I will not carry a gun.... I'll carry your books, I'll carry a torch, I'll carry a tune, I'll carry on, carry over, carry forward, Cary Grant, cash and carry, carry me back to Old Virginia, I'll even hari-kari if you show me how, but I will not carry a gun! --Hawkeye, "Officer of the Day," original airdate 24 September 1974, written by Laurence Marks, directed by Hy Averback

Marriage isn't all that it's cracked up to be.  Let me tell you, honestly.  Marriage is probably the chief cause of divorce. --Frank Burns, "Bulletin Board," original airdate 14 January 1975, written by Larry Gelbart, directed by Alan Alda

Frank:  She was a little brunette of Jewish persuasion.
Hawkeye:  I wonder who persuaded her to be that.
--"The Bus," original airdate 17 October 1975, written by John D. Hess, directed by Gene Reynolds

There are no friends in wartime. --Frank Burns, "Bug-Out," original airdate 21 September 1976, written by Jim Fritzell and Everett Greenbaum, directed by Gene Reynolds

You know, we've got to do it someday... throw away all the guns and invite all the jokers from the north and the south in here to a cocktail party... last man standing on his feet at the end wins the war. --Hawkeye, "Pilot Episode," original airdate 17 September 1972, written by Larry Gelbart, directed by Gene Reynolds

If we don't go crazy once in a while, we'll all go crazy. --Hawkeye, "Bulletin Board," original airdate 14 January 1975, written by Larry Gelbart, directed by Alan Alda

Anger turned inward is depression.  Anger turned sideways is Hawkeye. --Sidney Freedman, "Dear Sigmund," original airdate 9 November 1976, written and directed by Alan Alda

When you're wearing a green tuxedo, you dance where they tell you. --Colonel Potter, "Too Many Cooks," original airdate 17 September 1979, written by Dennis Koenig, directed by Charles S. Dubin

Without discipline the Army would just be a bunch of guys wearing the same color clothing. --Franks Burns, "Novocaine Mutiny," original airdate 27 January 1976, written by Burt Prelutsky, directed by Harry Morgan

Having babies is fun, but babies grow up into people. --Colonel Potter, "The Price of Tomato Juice," original airdate 16 December 1975, written by Larry Gelbart and Gene Reynolds, directed by Gene Reynolds

A faith of convenience is a hollow faith. --Father Mulcahy, "A Holy Mess," original airdate 1 February 1982, written by Elias Davis and David Pollock, directed by Burt Metcalfe

Your picture's in my wallet and I'm sitting on it.  And if that isn't love, I don't know what is. --Frank Burns

A good cigar is like a beautiful chick with a great body who also knows the American League box scores. --Klinger, "Bug-Out," original airdate 21 September 1976, written by Jim Fritzell and Everett Greenbaum, directed by Gene Reynolds

Unless we all conform, unless we follow our leaders blindly, there is no possible way we can remain free. --Frank, "Novocaine Mutiny," original airdate 27 January 1976, written by Burt Prelutsky, directed by Harry Morgan